Amber's Story

Type 1 Diabetes. 3 words, 1 diagnosis, a whole life of unpredictable struggle, and one really strong individual. Anyone with diabetes can relate to this statement. I just want to say to all T1Ds out there, “You are one incredible person, and if diabetes can't stop you, then fight on… because nothing is too big!”

I consider myself blessed. Everyone faces something, many things, in their life- broken family, serious injury, cancer, and all of life’s mean jokes- yet my challenge has given me more than it has taken. I am able to compete in what I love, live a life with a different view, and through it all, enjoy the good because I have felt the bad.

I am writing my story in a time of complete uncertainty and exhaustion, wanting to just give up and throw my pump out the window (I actually have debated this several times recently). I am about to be very real and I hope those of you struggling right now can take a second and recognize your pain and how that pain has made you better.

I am tired, I am worn, I am broken, and I would give a whole lot of money to have a new pancreas. This is actually the first time I have been in this place, and I am not sure where to go now. It is now that I realize how hard diabetes is and why it takes a champion to wake up everyday. It is now that I understand how much work it is to live with a chronic disease, and to constantly be managing your own life. It is, I can honestly say, the hardest thing I have faced in my life. It doesn’t go away, and the thought that it never will makes it even harder to try every single day. The past 6 years I have felt very alone in my struggle, and so unsure of any answers or plans. The greatest moments of my life have been taken by ugly glucose numbers, and no one to blame but myself. Because If I continue to blame my pancreas, I will get nowhere because it won’t fix itself- it is up to me. No doctor knows the answer, I have tried asking, because everyone’s body is different. There isn’t a solution manual, and nowhere to find the answers, besides continual trial and error, with many hard days and special moments ruined. And if you are like me, excuses aren’t an option anymore because no one cares if you have diabetes, and if they do, they don’t understand what it is like. I have made so many excuses over my lifetime that if I make anymore I am just cheating myself out of something special because I can’t figure out how to control my numbers. Maybe it’s the moment you realize you don’t want to date someone because you don’t want them to deal with getting tangled in your pump tubing, or hear the beeping all night long. When your State Championship basketball game puts you on the bench because you accidentally dosed yourself 20 units an hour before the game. When you have to push yourself through literal hell, putting on a smile and pretending like your numbers aren’t plummeting because you hate complaining about it. When you aren’t just competing against your opponent, but yourself, and your own body- making it seem like you have to fight demons to just stay on the field. When you wake up 2 hours before everyone else to have enough time to eat a meal (as diabetics have to eat!), and train extra because your numbers fail you at practice. When you have to explain to your coach why you let your team down in a crucial moment, when really your numbers were in the clouds and your decision-making skills were up there with them. Yet you want to be back on the field and need him to trust you, so you just take the criticism. When you have panic attacks because the 3000m steeplechase you just ran at a glucose of 60 was the most mentally tough thing you have ever done, and your coach tells you- not every race can be your race. When it seems like no race has ever and will never be yours because your body never feels like it is at its full potential. Your body doesn’t recover at the normal rate and one bad number can affect your race a week later. When you have tried every sports drink and chew on the market, and your athletic trainer asks you if you have ever tried glucose tablets before a race so that your numbers stay steady (I do appreciate the effort). When you feel like everything you do has to be devoted to your sport because you have to be engaged every second to keep your body doing what it needs to to be able to compete well. And the biggest one… when you have to give up your ice cream because your numbers are too high!

So that is where I am at. Yet I can sit here and honestly tell you that diabetes, besides God, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would not be the person that I am today, and I would not look at life the same, or be able to accomplish the things I have without it. Here is a little bit more about how I got to where I am…

My name is Amber Jackson, and I am currently a student athlete at Oregon State University. Today, I finished the last final of my sophomore year and my first 5 months of being a dual sport athlete. I am a proud beaver of the women’s soccer and track and field team. I came to Oregon State as a walk-on for soccer my freshman year, and hoped to walk onto the track team as well, but COVID got in the way as it moved our soccer season to spring, overlapping with track. After not having run track since junior year of high school due to COVID cancellation, I kinda thought it was a joke for me to even try, but I knew my conscience won’t forgive me if I didn’t. All in thanks to a little bit of hope, God’s plan, and very flexible and believing coaches, I was able to achieve my goals of being a dual-sport athlete at the NCAA division 1 level. It was one of the greatest and hardest experiences of my life!

It was a miracle that I am even here, and I thank God for these opportunities everyday. I grew up in a small town in Northern California, called Susanville. Susanville’s main attraction is the local Walmart. With a total population of 7,000 people, there were not a lot of sports opportunities. I played soccer through the local recreation program for about 7 years, while my parents homeschool me. I was a very active kid, and ran with a weighted jacket and punched trees for fun- the ultimate tomboy. Then one day I didn’t have the same energy as before. I was always chugging water, and was in the restroom every 15 mins. Not being myself, my mom took me to the hospital and the look on the doctor’s face when he saw the glucose reading says the rest. Diagnosed at age 7, I had no idea what diabetes was and what was to come. I honestly enjoyed my time in the hospital and still to this day love my doctor's appointments, probably because we got a treat afterward. The weight of diabetes never really affected me then, and I never really let it bother me until later in life, I just kinda lived- and just stopped for a snack every once in a while.

My sports life continued as I started to show potential in soccer, and my parents decided to take me to club tryouts. The only issue was Susanville was 2 hours and 30 mins away from the nearest club, Redding California’s Phoenix team (where Meagan Rapinoe played). I made the team, and my incredibly dedicated parents drove me 5 hours a day for practices 4 days a week and games on the weekend. Since I was home-schooled, I would do school in the car, and this lifestyle is when I decided I wanted to take sports all the way. Here diabetes was not even a thought besides caring for my numbers in the moment with Gatorade and gummies, but my levels never made me doubt my ability and I never let it in my head.

The next step was Sacramento, CA, as I was graduating middle school and my parents basically gave me the choice to get out of this small town or be stuck for life. They said, “You either get married to a cowboy or you escape now.” After watching my older brother, Cody, take his ticket out and go to college in San Francisco, I knew there was more. I didn’t want to go, but God had other plans.

Some people say they peak in high-school, and I agree, because it was just so fun! My parents put me into a private christian school, which was my first time in a classroom, and I loved it! I went all in… made friends, tried all types of sports, got in every club I could, and had endless energy. It was 4 years of 4.0, 11 varsity sports, a few school records, 4 state championships in volleyball, basketball and track, and so many amazing memories! The school, Forest Lake Christian held a total of 200 students, so making the teams was not too hard, and winning was not as honorable as it sounds, but it was so much fun and I felt on top of the world.

Diabetes has been a hurdle that I have been jumping over since I was 7, but ever since then the hurdle has slowly been raised, and high school was when it began to be harder to jump over. With a typical day consisting of a 6am early run before school, classes until 3 and then training for one of the high school sports right (sometimes two), before club soccer an hour drive into the valley. Dinner was in a Tupperware on the way and second dinner when I got back, as I made breakfast and lunch for the next day. Followed by a nice 2 hours of homework before it started again. With so much exercise and little time to focus on it, glucose control was left up to survival techniques such as asking to go to the bathroom in order to get a snack. At this time, I also developed an eating disorder, a problem many diabetics face as they have to count carbs, and since insulin makes you gain weight, one is extra cautious about what they put in their bodies. I restricted many things and only ate when I had to or was hungry. This led me to develop habits I am still fighting today. My body began to break down, and I lost the pep in my step and bubbly energy. This was also the time where college was on the table. I was trying to get recruited for collegiate soccer and with track and basketball as two other loves I didn’t know what to do about. While doubting my ability to do any of it because of the disease.

Two crucial moments, a basketball state championship and a state track meet being taken from me by unregulated numbers, I lost hope of ever being able to play successfully at the collegiate level. It was weighing me down and I knew it was just going to get harder. But thankfully there were many people that believed in me and I knew that I was going to have to try. So I committed to play soccer at California Baptist University. But the next year, the decision was not sitting well in my stomach, and I took a leap of faith. Oregon State had my degree of choice, and they had agreed to let me try to play soccer and run track. This change was late in my senior year, so I was going to be a walk-on for both teams.

So here we are, all caught up. My first year was stricken with COVID, and in hind-sight this allowed me to train extra hard and catch up to the level of the team so that I could start for the soccer team in the spring. A fun and strong first year, but I was very unsatisfied as I hadn’t reached my goal yet. I continued to have track in the back of my mind and continued to run when I could. I was finally given the chance to prove myself winter of my sophomore year, and I started training in December with the track team. It was a cloudy day in Washington that I ran my first race, but I had one more goal. I wanted to run in the famous Hayward Stadium, the home of the Oregon Ducks in Eugene, OR. So I wasn’t done yet.

This was the hurdle that landed me on my face. The whole exposé at the beginning about how difficult diabetes is became real for me at this time. With two training sessions a day- track for 2 hours in the morning and soccer for 2-3 hours in the afternoon- I was wearing myself and my body thin. Hitting an average of 16 miles a day, numbers were very hard to handle with all the variables and types of exercise everyday. I was “on” 24/7, between recovery, training, school, community engagement, and social interactions. It took everything to keep going and break a smile every once in a while when my numbers were in range and I had enough energy, until they once again plummeted. It was hard, but so very worth it! I ran in Hayward, and the feeling was unexplainable. Mainly because I couldn’t see straight as my numbers were so low. Once again, the greatest moment of my collegiate career was stuck by poor blood sugar. I fought with my life for 7.5 laps, giving my all to stay conscious and not focus on the pain, but it was hard. Not getting the result I wanted, it was just another example of how much diabetes has taken from me. And I follow that with realizing how strong it has made me. Because I could fight through that, pain is relative now, fitness tests are easier, and pushing to the next level is just part of it.

I tell you all this because it has been so hard, and yet it has made me who I am today. My story is my story and I am proud of it so far. I have so many more goals, things I want to accomplish, and places I want to go! But one thing I know for sure is- diabetes is not going to stop me. I will continue to jump the hurdles and find breakthroughs. I will continue because I know nothing that I face will be harder than what I face everyday, and If I can conquer my glucose, then I can do anything and I want to help others do the same! I will continue to move onto the next day, trying something different, and searching for the key to success! So that one day I can share it with those to follow.

We have the choice everyday- give in and accept defeat or go straight for the hurdle. I am acknowledging, and I hope you can too, how hard life and sports are with diabetes, but also how self-fulfilling and beneficial it is. I know that nothing can stop me, nothing is too hard, or too big, and no matter how hard life gets, I will try my best to overcome it. God has a plan for my life and diabetes, and I want to make the most of it and help others realize their strength and potential along the way!

(Also I want to thank all my amazing support staff- Mom and dad and broskie, coaches, athletic trainers, teammates and friends for helping me along the way!)

Amber Jackson